The beauty of friendships is that we get some say in them. Those who lean on the Lord will also hear Him weigh in from time to time and respond to His gentle nudges. Nudges that encourage us to take initiative in new relationships, put distance in current ones, confront with Christ-like concern and love, or peacefully walk away.

We gravitate toward people who are like us in a lot of ways, naturally. But the Lord also brings people together to do more than go out for cocktails, dish, and laugh. Friends are meant to challenge each other in constructive ways—to learn and to grow. Friendship is another opportunity for us to extend tolerance, open-mindedness, empathy, grace, forgiveness, generosity and love.

Superiority complexes have no place in them. Just as Christ has done for us, we are to lay down our lives for our friends (John 15:13) and help share in their burdens (Gal 6:2). We are to forgive when we take offense (Col 3:13). We are to pray for them (Job 42:10). We are to be grateful for them (Prov 27:9).

I was with a couple of friends the other weekend. We planned to attend an event that was cancelled last minute, so we spent the evening over dinner and lots of conversation. Lots of sensitive subjects were laid on the table. The three of us usually gel well, have lots of fun, laugh, and go deep in conversation. This time, things seemed a little off (though I would contend that the spiritual atmosphere we were in contributed to the change in our dynamic). One friend is going through some tough times in her marriage, so there was lots of talk about her family dynamic. She tends to talk about it a lot, which she freely admits. My other friend stayed respectfully silent, but I could tell she was bothered by the redundancy.

I kept hearing the Holy Spirit whisper that too much talk about our problems just gives them life. I have witnessed this play out in my own life when I have been in seasons of struggle. Too much talk about how bad I may feel (physically or mentally) during the winter months does not serve me. During these times, I usually need to be reminded of the power of speaking life into my situation (thankfully, my mom and my mentor are quick to). Women are inclined to want to vent (some is okay), but too much is not healthy. I have heard the Holy Spirit whisper this to me during a few conversations with different friends over the years. I have always stayed respectfully silent out of fear of offending, but I’m starting to realize that finding considerate ways of sharing His truth is more important than always staying quiet (Ecc 3:7).

My one friend is strong in her faith and a powerful prayer warrior, but the Lord wants to prune her in a few areas. If a subject like horror-movie or unhealthy reality-show watching came up, rather than stay quiet, I found myself speaking up and saying, “Christians shouldn’t be watching that sort of stuff in order to guard their hearts.” Or, “Children are a blessing from the Lord and we shouldn’t judge or condemn people who want to have kids in a fallen world,” when she believes that people who bring children into a fallen world are wrong. What kind of disciple for Christ and friend am I being if I can’t be courageous enough to share His truth when another Christian friend’s conduct deviates from it?

Several months ago when I was out with another friend, I felt the spirit of offense rise up in her when I politely mentioned that we should be careful about how much time we spend talking about major problems in our life. The offense rose up in her face so strongly as she struggled to graciously receive what I was saying. She remained quiet, and the Lord helped us shift subjects peacefully. Meanwhile, I prayed under my breath for Jesus to cast that spirit out of her.

We have to be careful about what we talk about, friends.

I was with another friend last night who shared a refreshing perspective. Years ago, she was challenged to read the Bible, cover to cover, over a year’s time when she faced opposition from a Christian family member who was very judgmental toward her. Her sister took a very legalistic approach (judgment and condemnation) to applying His word to daily living, while my friend took grace, love, and forgiveness out of her study. I don’t think we have to ask which approach Jesus would take.

I have several friends who don’t agree with my political or religious views, which has never bothered me (unless they become inconsiderate). They are open-minded, tolerant, and respectful. They love and accept me for who I am. We can disagree on hot topics, but still come together to have fun and share in the things we do have in common.

If you have a friend who challenges you in constructive ways, don’t resent them because they decide to share their opinion when you put a topic on the table for discussion. Try to let go of control (the need to be right) and agree to disagree. Ask God to humble you in His truth about your friendship, and thank Him for whatever He is doing through it. If He’s challenging you to be a better person through your friend, that’s a really good thing.